Balancing Benevolence & Accountability
Today on my way home I saw man standing at an intersection with the infamous sign –
Homeless
Veteran
Hungry
I stopped and walked over to talk to him and asked in a friendly tone “where are you going to stay tonight?” He pointed in a general direction and spoke of a building that he would sleep behind.
I asked him if he had been to any of the homeless shelters in town (we don’t run one but there are three in the community). He explained, “They won’t let me in any of the shelters.” “Why not?” I asked. He said, “Because I drink.”
Did I mention that this guy reeked of alcohol? I said to him, “So, you’re basically out here raising beer money.”
At this the guy got pretty ticked . . . “What do you know about being homeless!” I said, “I know more than you think.” He said, “Well I’m a veteran!”
I told the guy that I could help him. “I don’t want your kind of help! I’m sorry I even came over to talk to you!” He said as he walked back to the center median.
I got back in my car and drove up to him and handed him my card and said, “When you’re ready to get help call me and I’ll help you.” The guy refused to take my card and I finally had to drive away as I was holding up traffic.
I have to say, I’m really disappointed in myself. I usually handle situations like this with a lot more grace and finesse.
So here’s my question: Would I have been better of just giving the guy some money (although, he raised at least five bucks while we talked) and not challenge his drinking problem? Perhaps then I could have at least opened a door to minister to him in the future.
Or do you think challenging the guy was the right thing to do?
What’s the best way to handle a situation like this? As it stands right now, the chance of me ministering to him in the future is pretty slim.
What do you think?
posted by Bret at
9:11 PM
11 Comments:
you were right on. we need to meet the "problem-causing" needs. His problem was no that he needed food - he needs to step up to the plate and take care of himself.
I consider it this way. I only have so many resources to help people. I am more than willing to take chances on people. But when it comes down to it the question is rather to spend the resources on those who are trying to get out of poverty or enable those who wish to stay in it?
If I err, it is on the side of grace. And I do "err" often. But realistically - some people need to realize that the expectation for improvement is not on the good will of others, but on their own "shoe leather".
By
Anonymous, at 1:16 PM
A "staying in poverty" attitude is very detrimental to any community. It depletes the assets of the well-intentioned and frustrates the economy until those immediately affected become cynical.
I also believe that we should lean toward grace, with a proper definition of grace, which is to be helpful rather than an enabling hindrance to those who have given up on any hope of being a productive member of society.
On the other hand there is also the grace that requires those who are able to help those who are literally unable, such as those who are ill to the point of being incapacitated, as well as those who are mentally or physically incapable of contributing to their own lives or the lives of others.
We are often ridden with guilt when we refuse to give money to the poor every time we see a need. But I think that we need to balance our giving with a sensible structure that does not allow giving to burden any one individual. As a church, we are empowered to do more with less and to relieve the guilt of making the right decision on how much we should give and to whom.
By
Johnny, at 1:32 PM
I'll tell you what I am frustrated with - glutonous Salvationists who only come to church when you are giving stuff away or feeding - you name it. We have grown a glutonous industry within our church as big as the one we offer through the social services office.
We have declined in every are of the corps simply because we cut off the freebies the previous had given away. No more free meals. No free meals out at a restaraunt after you come and "serve" your corps or "volunteer" at your corps.
This was the primary reason we were in debt. I see this as one of the primary killers of corps today. The welfare church.
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Anonymous, at 3:31 PM
Sorry - we need to meet needs in teh church as they arise - but if people only come for greed - they are not coming for Jesus.
By
Anonymous, at 3:31 PM
I think you did as you felt you should.He has to want to change for anyone to really help him,and you did offer but he refused.I have offered to go and buy food for the same,sometimes they accept,sometimes not.You may have touched a nerve with him,but would you have felt better knowing he would use the money for alcohol? knowing you I think not.You may have given him a reason to think and accept the next offer he has.God bless you for trying.
Hoyle
By
Anonymous, at 4:16 PM
hello brett! i am a friend of peter's and he said to check out ur blog. so this is me checking out ur blog. here's what i think and perhaps it's right, perhaps it's wrong i just don't know. i think that offering help to a drunk, homeless man is the right thing to do. perhaps there is a good reason why ur were blunt w/ this man. perhaps he just needed that kind of kick to relasize that he does in fact need help and should seek it. i mean he is homeless but can't stay in a shelter cause he drinks. that's messed up. so perhaps ur words were needed. perhaps he may need u go back to talk again. i think if u see him again u should talk to him. if u keep showing him u care i think he will get it eventaully. sometimes its really difficult to understand why someone u don't know, who doesn't understand ur situation, why they would care at all. there's a wall of defense people put up so they don't get hurt and i think if u break threw this man's defenses he will see why u care. i only know from experience. so keep trying and just show him u care any way u can. maybe u can buy him a coffee or a sandwhich to show him he is safe in ur presence. everyone needs to know they are loved, but everyone sees it differently. so keep trying and keep praying. i will pray for u and the man. in a while do an up date post so we can know how it turns out.
blessings!
By
Anonymous, at 9:51 PM
The Founder asked "Do people need a certificate of virtue before we help them?" Some of the commenters have talked about enabling. I think we are quick to think about the enabling of sin instead of the need for relationship. I think he raised beer money while you were there. I wonder what would have happened if you had brought him a sandwich instead of confronting him?
A comment about grace. Isn't it umerited favor? You can't teach someone about responsibility when they have no concept of what it is. Maybe next time, try taking him food. Just a thought.
By
Larry, at 9:53 PM
Sorry left this off. At least you tried. That is so much more than many would do. I think your attempt is admirable.
By
Larry, at 9:53 PM
Everyone,
Thanks for all your comments. Good stuff.
Liz, welcome! Good to meet you. I have already decided that I will try again when I see him.
Larry, I will approach him with a different measure of grace . . . a sandwich is a good idea.
There is, of course, a balance between benevolence and accountability . . . However, it wouldn’t have cost me too much to just take the guy a sandwich and build trust. In this case, the accountability came before the relationship . . . the relationship should have come first (that is, if I really wanted to reach him, and I believe Jesus does).
The bottom line is this: If he doesn’t know Jesus, he’s not only going to hell, but he’s missing out on the best part of life- knowing God . . . whether he’s “using” the system or not.
Blessings,
Bret
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Bret, at 10:35 PM
There is one more bit of information that can prove helpful in this kind of situation.
A person who is addicted to any mood altering substance is running to that drug and away from something else. They are running to the alcohol or some other substance because they want to be saved from the pain of whatever it is he or she is running from.
Somehow, we have to help such a person know, see, hear, understand...that we are all running from "something" and toward "something," and some of us have found that we are created with an unquenchable desire to run toward God. Getting that person to stop running to something other than God, no matter how painful their past may be, will sometimes start with a sandwich and sometimes it will start with a friendship; whatever the beginning, he or she will ultimately have to learn how to run to God.
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Johnny, at 11:32 PM
Sad that I am writing this now - but it doesn't matter what we think. What did God tell you to do? is the primary question. You don;t have to answer that question. But it is the one we should each ask Him.
By
Anonymous, at 1:01 PM
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